Five Annoying People On Your Airplane

While I realize a few hundred people have done a post like this at one time or another — I don't care, I need to do this for cathartic satisfaction and my mental health.

Here are just a few of the exhausting personality traits and actions that I observe on most of my flights that make me want to smash my face into a food cart.

No Spatial-Awareness Person

You know how you're sitting in your seat, arms dutifully contained within your few inches of seat space, and someone still manages to flail wildly and smash your elbow or put their entire bag into your face? Yeah, those people need to be stopped. Now.

It's an airplane, and except for a few very unique cases, every turn you make is putting someone's drink or laptop at risk from your inability to be aware of your surroundings before deciding you're going to fling your two-too-many bags around in an effort to hide the fact you can't follow even the most basic aspects of flight etiquette.

While luggage can offer some struggles due to weight or just trying to wedge it into the seemingly endless combinations of stowage-space horrors, the ultimate goal should be: don't hit anyone while you put your luggage away or pull it back out.

Very simply, when you put your luggage away, gracefully place your additional bag (read: singular) on the seat you are going to be at. Then, and only then, should you attempt to place your overweight suitcase above your head like Atlas. Don't be a hero. Bag down, then bag up.

Seat-Pusher Person

I am your best proximal seat-mate. I don't think I've ever reclined my seat more than say, 25% backwards. I sure as hell have never laid my seat back on someone like they were merely there to act as a buffer between me and the other seat like a utility cushion.

Considering this fact, when someone behind me somehow incessantly pushes my seat, back and forth, I want to turn around and throw my delicious ginger ale (or G&T) in their face. You have to be able to notice that physics still applies in the airplane and therefore when you push something with little resistance to it, it moves. That moving? Yeah, that's my seat, body, etc. That's annoying. Stop that.

Whether you bounce in your seat while listening to your entirely-too-loud music or because you think a seat is your personal life-pod that can't possibly impact anyone else, just realize that you have control over my ability to relax. Help me out. Let me relax. PLEASE?

Oh, and this applies the other way as well. That means when you rock your seat back and forth trying to "get comfortable"—which is impossible, obviously—that means my tray table, drink, snack, computer, or whatever, is bouncing around trying to commit a swan-dive onto my lap.

Window-Turbulence-Looker Person

This one may actually be somewhat original. The next time you are on a flight with some reasonable amounts of turbulence, take a quick look around during or after an instance of it. I bet you will find someone who's shade was down pull it up or look through a window they hadn't bothered with until that moment.

These people look outside during/after turbulence by their own foolish thought that looking outside will somehow provide a status reading on how likely they are to plummet into the ground on this flight.

Yes, turbulence on your flight is unsettling for most but very, very rarely has anything at all to do with any sort of crash. The act of looking out your window won't magically give you instrument panel details about whether or not that plane is hosed. Your visual inspection of the wing or whatever the hell you are looking at is both unimpactful to your safety and in no way will provide any sort of indicator if anything is even wrong.

…well, unless this is the Twilight Zone and there's an animal ripping apart the wing — you're on your own on that one.

Arm-Rest Dictator Person

I am all about equal opportunity when it comes to shared arm rests. I really do think that if you have a "larger" (define as you will for various scenarios) passenger next to you that could use the extra 10 centimeters more than you, go ahead and give that up.

I know there's unspoken policy around this stuff but keep in mind that extra space you don't give them is going to get swallowed up by them even if you don't release it under a formal treaty of kindness. They probably can't help it much in that moment if their shoulders are crazy broad.

That all said, if you're a person who has no obvious need for all of the arm rest, be a good person and don't completely engulf it with your arm before the person next to you can even sit down completely. I prefer the "it's nobody's arm rest" and keep my body within the confines of my little seat world. Is it comfortable? It could be better, but playing elbow wars with another grown man also is crap so let's go the high road, shall we?

Loud-Talker Person

Lastly, there's the person who thinks the plane is their personal chat room. Maybe it's their friend. Maybe it's their kid. Maybe it's their husband. Maybe it's a stranger. But this person has no problem yelling over rows, cackling at every bad joke, going over their entire life story, or just droning on about nothing. No volume control and no awareness that we aren't all here to listen to them talk for two hours straight.

If you want to talk on a plane, sit next to the person. Not in front. Not behind. Next to. Didn't sit next to them? Move or don't talk to them. If you have to yell, five rows on either side are now listening for sure and that's not because we desire to do so.

It's not enough you have to be boring as hell, but the broadcasting of those aspects of your personality makes me loathe you and pity your conversational partner 90% of the time (unless they suck, too).

Conclusion

If you sit with me on a plane please just carefully put away your luggage, respect my overall personal space, sit quietly, keep your seat steady, and don't even bother to lay over me to look out the window to see if the plane is going to survive a single bump of jet stream. Don't you dare.

…and yes, only five was really difficult to write, there are plenty more.